Post by Mr. Pathetic on Dec 25, 2007 10:31:53 GMT -5
Happy holidays all, I thought I'd share a little bit of RPNN from the xmas season of '03'.... enjoy and Merry Christmas and have a happy new year.
*Disclaimer- The following is a serious tribute to the writings and styles of Dr. Suess. In no way is the piece a rip off or jab at the How the Grinch stole Christmas© story. The following has references that may or may not offend people. We are not responsible if you can not take the following piece with an open mind. There are religious christian references so if you have a problem please do not read the following. Thank you all for reading and have a merry christmas.
How America Sold Christmas
By Paul Mann (RPNN Editor)
Every Sale
Down in Salesville
Liked to sell the Christmas image a lot.
But the Tightwad
Who lived just north of Salesville
Did not.
The tightwad hated the selling of Christmas. The whole marketed sensation.
Now no one could tell why. There just had to be a reason.
It may have been that his common sense was first on his mind.
It may have been, possibly that unlike the morons in Salesville his wallet was in a bind.
But I believe that the most logical reason
Was that just because he actually enjoyed the holiday season.
But,
Whatever his method,
His morals or his beliefs,
He stood there on Christmas rush, shaking his head at the sales,
Staring out from his debt-free house with a smirk
He wasn’t going to fight over a 30 dollar DVD player like every other jerk.
Yes, he knew that possessions were possessions and sales were sales
So he figures if people wanted to crucify their credit they could use their own nails.
“Oh look at those fools, buying all those toys!” he replied with his rant.
“Tomorrow is payday! They’ll probably blow it all, not caring if they can or they can’t!”
Then he remembered his parents, who were not so wise with their spending,
“Even though I think lowly of them, not all should have a holiday with such unhappy an ending.”
For after the bargains were through…
… The budgets would be reviewed.
Parents by the thousands would be simmering in that unknowing misery they stewed.
And after that… They’re screwed! They’re screwed! Screwed! Screwed! Screwed!
That is the one phrase he detested. We’re screwed! Screwed! Screwed! Screwed!
And the sales both, large and small would be gone.
They would be gone. They would be long gone.
They’d be out of here. GONE! GONE! GONE!
Where the sales had left the debt comes through
Driving the very lives of many families hating what next they must do.
After that
Something terrible would occur which our tightwad detested most of all.
Most of the families of salesville, the numbers too many,
Would declare bankruptcy or sue some poor sap.
Whoever that was didn’t deserve this crap.
They’d sue! And they’d sue!
Boy would they Sue! Sue! Sue! Sue!
The more the tightwad pondered “This must end here and now!
“For far too many years have people suffered
“Even if it was in their ignorance, this doing.
…And how??
Then he came upon a thought.
A splendid idea.
THE TIGHTWAD
CAME UPON A SUPERB, TREMENDOUS IDEA!
“I’ve got it by George!” The tightwad exclaimed with anticipation.
And he quickly wrote his congressman, the president and every radio station.
And he moved with such charisma and style proclaiming “They’ll suffer no more!”
“I’ll not stop there, no sir! There is no effort too great to complete this worthy chore!”
“All I require is united neighborhood.”
The tightwad glanced around him..
But neighbors these days scarcely say hello, things looked rather dim.
Did the Tightwad give up now?
Never! The tightwad did screech,
“If I can’t find a sociable soul, courtesy to them I must teach!”
So he called his good friend at PBS. Together they’d show America true happiness,
Show them all a good family sample.
Perhaps the nitwits could, would learn from this example.
Afterward
He left with pamphlets in hand
And pie charts with graphs
In his fuel efficient Toyota
And he even brought along his self help 8-tracks.
The tightwad then exclaimed, “Onward Ho!”
The car rolled smoothly without delay
Towards the village of salesville where the
Unsuspecting citizens vibrantly snored away.
All the stores were restocking. At least the ones open late
All the sales were awaiting the idiot, moron and the irate.
Our friend drove carefully forward not have much time to wait.
“Only a few hours till they awaken” Mr. Tightwad thus replied.
He knew that he must move quickly, so that he might achieve the winning side.
Before he could go on another mile a family stood arguing. Dad and mom cursed.
It looked as if someone’s blood vessel would burst.
He decided to stop just once, to see what he could fix.
Perhaps he could start his cause here and resettle the violent mix.
There the family of five kept yelling, it was quite fierce.
“Those words” he frowned, “must hurt with each pierce.”
The family paused at this interruption so queer,
The whole group, mom and dad with kids did sneer.
What rubbish! What Insult! The shame! So rude!
This stranger! How nosey! The nerve! How lewd!
And they decided to ignore him. The tightwad a joke.
Their quarrel was far more important than this bloke.
Then he left the broken family. He left feeling ashamed.
He had tried to speak to them! How was he to blame?!
He got back in his car a ticket now on his dash.
It would seem that the tightwad had to pay for being so rash.
As he started up his Toyota he heard a soft knock on his door.
“Now what?!” The tightwad screeched, “I’m doing no more!”
And the Tightwad turned around, much frustrated himself
When he noticed a man, not tall, not much taller than an elf.
The man was ragged and dirty, a harmless old coot.
He stood there cold and shivering, a hole in each boot.
The Tightwad had been caught unaware of this homeless street dweller.
He had been kicked out of some department store where he had slept in the cellar.
He stared at the Tightwad and said “Ya got some change mister,
“If I had a few cents maybe I could go stay with my sister?”
But you must notice, the Tightwad was much kinder that that
He asked the bum into his car, he also lent him a coat, shoes and a hat.
“Tell me where your sister lives” He was going to take him straight there,
“I’d rather you stayed warm so when you see your sister, your health will be fair.
“Just sit and relax, read a pamphlet or two.
“Perhaps after you leave your sister’s, you will know just what to do.”
And his kind words comforted the man. He thanked God in kindness
And knew how these actions could help him undue all of his mess.
And when the old man was at his Sister’s grateful side,
He told the Tightwad he’d never forget that one ride.
Then the tightwad continued his quest
To help the rest of the troubled.
He hastened on his way, his speed twice doubled.
He would make it in time so none would be befuddled.
And then he arrived at TV station
Just in time to get ready
For his début no matter how unsteady.
Next
He went over his script
As all the crew readies.
Leaving little time
Not much at all
As the camera man steadies.
It was coming time for the show to air…
All the citizens, just rising from bed
Many grabbing the morning coffee
And some making toast from their bread,
He must hurry quickly! They’ll all be leaving soon! Make haste!
The equipment! Be ready! All managers! No Waste!
The Tightwad went on air! Would people watch it or not,
Will they listen or change channels on spot?!
“People of America!” The tightwad did say,
“Tis the season to celebrate Christmas, not to throw money away!
“Be together, be one! Please love one another!
“Hold hands, be glad, each sister and brother
“Don’t fight, unite this day and be TOGETHER!”
“That’s the message,” The tightwad went on,
“That I hope you all hear this season!”
So ended his broadcast. And knowing his reason.
And later he read the ratings so little.
It felt so brittle. His show was easy to belittle.
But then he looked at some letters.
He opened them, they were so jolly.
They were thanking him.
For bringing light to their folly.
He thought about salesville!
The Tightwad thought well.
Then he read one more letter.
This one was swell.
It was from salesville too, but from the old man that night,
How great! The one he had helped after the fight!
He hadn’t failed miserably!
NOT FAILED!
In his kid act, justice had prevailed!
And the Tightwad, with his heart filled with glee,
Sat relieved and rightly so: “He gives his thanks to me.
“A tear from my eye. Many more shall fall.
“Perhaps it wasn’t all in vain, no not at all.
And he thought for a while, where next he could help.
Then the Tightwad spread all his letters around.
“Perhaps I can,” he pondered, “see what more can be found.
“Yes even after Christmas, I can, will spread around”
And how does the story continue..?
Well…many in salesville will reply
That the Tightwad saved with his heart
Without a whether or why.
And the Tightwad’s message spread far and near,
Many more broken families would this message hear
And he brought back the joy. And what truly matters most!
The Trinity!
The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost!
© 12/24/03 Really Pathetic News Network™
*Disclaimer- The following is a serious tribute to the writings and styles of Dr. Suess. In no way is the piece a rip off or jab at the How the Grinch stole Christmas© story. The following has references that may or may not offend people. We are not responsible if you can not take the following piece with an open mind. There are religious christian references so if you have a problem please do not read the following. Thank you all for reading and have a merry christmas.
How America Sold Christmas
By Paul Mann (RPNN Editor)
Every Sale
Down in Salesville
Liked to sell the Christmas image a lot.
But the Tightwad
Who lived just north of Salesville
Did not.
The tightwad hated the selling of Christmas. The whole marketed sensation.
Now no one could tell why. There just had to be a reason.
It may have been that his common sense was first on his mind.
It may have been, possibly that unlike the morons in Salesville his wallet was in a bind.
But I believe that the most logical reason
Was that just because he actually enjoyed the holiday season.
But,
Whatever his method,
His morals or his beliefs,
He stood there on Christmas rush, shaking his head at the sales,
Staring out from his debt-free house with a smirk
He wasn’t going to fight over a 30 dollar DVD player like every other jerk.
Yes, he knew that possessions were possessions and sales were sales
So he figures if people wanted to crucify their credit they could use their own nails.
“Oh look at those fools, buying all those toys!” he replied with his rant.
“Tomorrow is payday! They’ll probably blow it all, not caring if they can or they can’t!”
Then he remembered his parents, who were not so wise with their spending,
“Even though I think lowly of them, not all should have a holiday with such unhappy an ending.”
For after the bargains were through…
… The budgets would be reviewed.
Parents by the thousands would be simmering in that unknowing misery they stewed.
And after that… They’re screwed! They’re screwed! Screwed! Screwed! Screwed!
That is the one phrase he detested. We’re screwed! Screwed! Screwed! Screwed!
And the sales both, large and small would be gone.
They would be gone. They would be long gone.
They’d be out of here. GONE! GONE! GONE!
Where the sales had left the debt comes through
Driving the very lives of many families hating what next they must do.
After that
Something terrible would occur which our tightwad detested most of all.
Most of the families of salesville, the numbers too many,
Would declare bankruptcy or sue some poor sap.
Whoever that was didn’t deserve this crap.
They’d sue! And they’d sue!
Boy would they Sue! Sue! Sue! Sue!
The more the tightwad pondered “This must end here and now!
“For far too many years have people suffered
“Even if it was in their ignorance, this doing.
…And how??
Then he came upon a thought.
A splendid idea.
THE TIGHTWAD
CAME UPON A SUPERB, TREMENDOUS IDEA!
“I’ve got it by George!” The tightwad exclaimed with anticipation.
And he quickly wrote his congressman, the president and every radio station.
And he moved with such charisma and style proclaiming “They’ll suffer no more!”
“I’ll not stop there, no sir! There is no effort too great to complete this worthy chore!”
“All I require is united neighborhood.”
The tightwad glanced around him..
But neighbors these days scarcely say hello, things looked rather dim.
Did the Tightwad give up now?
Never! The tightwad did screech,
“If I can’t find a sociable soul, courtesy to them I must teach!”
So he called his good friend at PBS. Together they’d show America true happiness,
Show them all a good family sample.
Perhaps the nitwits could, would learn from this example.
Afterward
He left with pamphlets in hand
And pie charts with graphs
In his fuel efficient Toyota
And he even brought along his self help 8-tracks.
The tightwad then exclaimed, “Onward Ho!”
The car rolled smoothly without delay
Towards the village of salesville where the
Unsuspecting citizens vibrantly snored away.
All the stores were restocking. At least the ones open late
All the sales were awaiting the idiot, moron and the irate.
Our friend drove carefully forward not have much time to wait.
“Only a few hours till they awaken” Mr. Tightwad thus replied.
He knew that he must move quickly, so that he might achieve the winning side.
Before he could go on another mile a family stood arguing. Dad and mom cursed.
It looked as if someone’s blood vessel would burst.
He decided to stop just once, to see what he could fix.
Perhaps he could start his cause here and resettle the violent mix.
There the family of five kept yelling, it was quite fierce.
“Those words” he frowned, “must hurt with each pierce.”
The family paused at this interruption so queer,
The whole group, mom and dad with kids did sneer.
What rubbish! What Insult! The shame! So rude!
This stranger! How nosey! The nerve! How lewd!
And they decided to ignore him. The tightwad a joke.
Their quarrel was far more important than this bloke.
Then he left the broken family. He left feeling ashamed.
He had tried to speak to them! How was he to blame?!
He got back in his car a ticket now on his dash.
It would seem that the tightwad had to pay for being so rash.
As he started up his Toyota he heard a soft knock on his door.
“Now what?!” The tightwad screeched, “I’m doing no more!”
And the Tightwad turned around, much frustrated himself
When he noticed a man, not tall, not much taller than an elf.
The man was ragged and dirty, a harmless old coot.
He stood there cold and shivering, a hole in each boot.
The Tightwad had been caught unaware of this homeless street dweller.
He had been kicked out of some department store where he had slept in the cellar.
He stared at the Tightwad and said “Ya got some change mister,
“If I had a few cents maybe I could go stay with my sister?”
But you must notice, the Tightwad was much kinder that that
He asked the bum into his car, he also lent him a coat, shoes and a hat.
“Tell me where your sister lives” He was going to take him straight there,
“I’d rather you stayed warm so when you see your sister, your health will be fair.
“Just sit and relax, read a pamphlet or two.
“Perhaps after you leave your sister’s, you will know just what to do.”
And his kind words comforted the man. He thanked God in kindness
And knew how these actions could help him undue all of his mess.
And when the old man was at his Sister’s grateful side,
He told the Tightwad he’d never forget that one ride.
Then the tightwad continued his quest
To help the rest of the troubled.
He hastened on his way, his speed twice doubled.
He would make it in time so none would be befuddled.
And then he arrived at TV station
Just in time to get ready
For his début no matter how unsteady.
Next
He went over his script
As all the crew readies.
Leaving little time
Not much at all
As the camera man steadies.
It was coming time for the show to air…
All the citizens, just rising from bed
Many grabbing the morning coffee
And some making toast from their bread,
He must hurry quickly! They’ll all be leaving soon! Make haste!
The equipment! Be ready! All managers! No Waste!
The Tightwad went on air! Would people watch it or not,
Will they listen or change channels on spot?!
“People of America!” The tightwad did say,
“Tis the season to celebrate Christmas, not to throw money away!
“Be together, be one! Please love one another!
“Hold hands, be glad, each sister and brother
“Don’t fight, unite this day and be TOGETHER!”
“That’s the message,” The tightwad went on,
“That I hope you all hear this season!”
So ended his broadcast. And knowing his reason.
And later he read the ratings so little.
It felt so brittle. His show was easy to belittle.
But then he looked at some letters.
He opened them, they were so jolly.
They were thanking him.
For bringing light to their folly.
He thought about salesville!
The Tightwad thought well.
Then he read one more letter.
This one was swell.
It was from salesville too, but from the old man that night,
How great! The one he had helped after the fight!
He hadn’t failed miserably!
NOT FAILED!
In his kid act, justice had prevailed!
And the Tightwad, with his heart filled with glee,
Sat relieved and rightly so: “He gives his thanks to me.
“A tear from my eye. Many more shall fall.
“Perhaps it wasn’t all in vain, no not at all.
And he thought for a while, where next he could help.
Then the Tightwad spread all his letters around.
“Perhaps I can,” he pondered, “see what more can be found.
“Yes even after Christmas, I can, will spread around”
And how does the story continue..?
Well…many in salesville will reply
That the Tightwad saved with his heart
Without a whether or why.
And the Tightwad’s message spread far and near,
Many more broken families would this message hear
And he brought back the joy. And what truly matters most!
The Trinity!
The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost!
© 12/24/03 Really Pathetic News Network™
